When I was first married, my husband and I were both very
against reading self-help books but especially those geared around marriage
advice. Our perception of self-help books was they were just a whole bunch of
frilly words meshed together and slammed in a book. That anyone with common
sense would be able to navigate through any emotional or relationship struggle
just fine on their own and if we ever did submit ourselves to the advice of a
book that it was a sign of failure and defeat. So between not wanting to be a failure or seam
dumb or weak we never sought out help from books or any other earthly source
when struggles arrived.
Now being married to Kelby was better than I could have ever imagined and I am so grateful every day for the love we share and have created together but even though we love each other very much it didn’t change the fact that we came from two totally different worlds, our points of views and goals on most things were relatively the same but our ideas on how to carry it out or how to get there were most of the time entirely different. I think we all have romantic ideas about what love and marriage will look like, these ideas may capture an essence of what it will be but every relationship and love story looks so different why do we expect ourselves to be experts on something we have never done before?
After being married a long while I reached a point where I needed answers not that anything was terribly wrong or falling apart we just seemed to be at a standstill. Somewhere along the line between school full-time, work full-time, having kids, and having no time we just seemed to stop making time for just being together. There was too much to do and no time to do it plus we felt silly having alone time because we lived with each other so we “technically” did get to see each other.
It didn’t really seem to bother my husband because he has amazing endurance and is a very down to earth practical guy that was trying to stay sane and provide for his family. But I am a hopeless romantic and I felt more and more distant and unsure what was missing. So I did the unthinkable and I started reading marriage/relationship books! At first it was kind of discouraging because I wanted answers NOW and finding time to read was a huge challenge for me and when I did read there was an endless amount of different opinions on this topic it seemed imposable to know what would actually work for us! But after months and months of reading book after book I stumbled upon...
“The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman.
Here is a link to their website they have lots of valuable resources on relationship.
https://www.gottman.com/product/seven-principles-making-marriage-work-revised-book/
Plus they have a Free App called "Gottman Card Decks" that has a bunch of get to know you games that are fun to use for date night or just whenever you have a moment together.
Now looking back I
laugh at my relentless stubborn mentality! How could struggling on your own
ever be better than simply opening a book and reading! Now I have found so many
hidden treasures inside self-help books. I am a huge advocate for seeking out help and advice while things are good so that you can keep them good! We put so much time energy and effort in to the things that are important to us so it makes sense that all those same things should be invested into our relationships with each other as well.
Now being married to Kelby was better than I could have ever imagined and I am so grateful every day for the love we share and have created together but even though we love each other very much it didn’t change the fact that we came from two totally different worlds, our points of views and goals on most things were relatively the same but our ideas on how to carry it out or how to get there were most of the time entirely different. I think we all have romantic ideas about what love and marriage will look like, these ideas may capture an essence of what it will be but every relationship and love story looks so different why do we expect ourselves to be experts on something we have never done before?
After being married a long while I reached a point where I needed answers not that anything was terribly wrong or falling apart we just seemed to be at a standstill. Somewhere along the line between school full-time, work full-time, having kids, and having no time we just seemed to stop making time for just being together. There was too much to do and no time to do it plus we felt silly having alone time because we lived with each other so we “technically” did get to see each other.
It didn’t really seem to bother my husband because he has amazing endurance and is a very down to earth practical guy that was trying to stay sane and provide for his family. But I am a hopeless romantic and I felt more and more distant and unsure what was missing. So I did the unthinkable and I started reading marriage/relationship books! At first it was kind of discouraging because I wanted answers NOW and finding time to read was a huge challenge for me and when I did read there was an endless amount of different opinions on this topic it seemed imposable to know what would actually work for us! But after months and months of reading book after book I stumbled upon...
“The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman.
I could go on and on about what he says that was revolutionary
to me, but than you would basically be reading a book so I will give you a brief
over view why this book stood apart from the rest for me.
1. It is based off scientific research on what effect emotions have on our body and what triggers them to overload. For example they would have a couple wear probes to monitor heart rate, brain activity, stress levels and then just study their bodily responses to their everyday living and he walks you through how emotional overload effects the rest of your body and how to address it.
2. All the other books I have read, revolve around the idea that men and women are so different. That the male and female will never understand each other so just get used to that idea and live with it. To me I felt this was so contradictive to what I had experienced. Yes my husband and I have major differences but I also have major differences with other women. So being different is a human trait not a wall that separates male and female. This book narrows down our differences to one primal instinct that men and women differ and how that effects how we may process things. This information made a huge impact in being able to see where Kelby was coming from.
3. To me nothing seemed to be to different form a really good day in romance and a really bad day, so I struggled to know what it was that made the good days good how were they different and why on the hard days did we feel so distant sometimes! This book really offered valuable insight to how to recognize successful “love rituals” that may hold common place throughout your day but how they have a huge impact. This gave me great hope in knowing that we didn’t have to have some big extravagant get away every week to feel that sweet twitter-pated newlywed love again.
4. It also unravels the idea that every successful relationship looks the same and is only achievable with two perfect people that do everything right, in fact it encourages mess-ups because they have the potential to draw two people closer together than ever before. It walks you through just how to achieve success in drawing closer together when you are both flooded with emotions.
1. It is based off scientific research on what effect emotions have on our body and what triggers them to overload. For example they would have a couple wear probes to monitor heart rate, brain activity, stress levels and then just study their bodily responses to their everyday living and he walks you through how emotional overload effects the rest of your body and how to address it.
2. All the other books I have read, revolve around the idea that men and women are so different. That the male and female will never understand each other so just get used to that idea and live with it. To me I felt this was so contradictive to what I had experienced. Yes my husband and I have major differences but I also have major differences with other women. So being different is a human trait not a wall that separates male and female. This book narrows down our differences to one primal instinct that men and women differ and how that effects how we may process things. This information made a huge impact in being able to see where Kelby was coming from.
3. To me nothing seemed to be to different form a really good day in romance and a really bad day, so I struggled to know what it was that made the good days good how were they different and why on the hard days did we feel so distant sometimes! This book really offered valuable insight to how to recognize successful “love rituals” that may hold common place throughout your day but how they have a huge impact. This gave me great hope in knowing that we didn’t have to have some big extravagant get away every week to feel that sweet twitter-pated newlywed love again.
4. It also unravels the idea that every successful relationship looks the same and is only achievable with two perfect people that do everything right, in fact it encourages mess-ups because they have the potential to draw two people closer together than ever before. It walks you through just how to achieve success in drawing closer together when you are both flooded with emotions.
Here is a link to their website they have lots of valuable resources on relationship.
https://www.gottman.com/product/seven-principles-making-marriage-work-revised-book/
Plus they have a Free App called "Gottman Card Decks" that has a bunch of get to know you games that are fun to use for date night or just whenever you have a moment together.
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