Working Through Hard Times

Forgiveness is not often the first thing that pops into our mind when a heated argument begins, or a miss communication spirals out of control. Even if it is, it seems imposable to forgive right in the heat of the moment. But why?

I understand the mental and emotional rollercoaster and turmoil that presents itself when going through any kind of conflict. We hurt, feel misused, treated unfairly and are brought low! We want the other person to not get off scotch free and to realize the depth of the pain they caused us. They need to make some kind of restitution in order to make up for everything. All of these feeling are normal and needed even… but so are some other important considerations when dealing with pain.

 #1 what you feel towards others is a reflection of what you think about yourself.
Imagine for a moment that someone you love, admire or deal with in your life makes a mistake, hurts your feelings or just doesn’t give the support in the way you need.
How do you view them? (Inconsiderate, rude, unobservant)
What do you feel the core problem is with the person? (Lazy, selfish, just not good enough)
What do you think they should do to apologize? (Say sorry, grand gesture, prove they have changed)
Do they deserve forgiveness? (Yes if they make up for it, not right now, no)

Now imagine it was you that made the same mistake.   
How do you view yourself? (Inconsiderate, rude, unobservant)
What do you feel the core problem is with you? (lazy, selfish, just not good enough)
What do you think you should do to apologize? (Say sorry, grand gesture, prove you have changed)
Do you deserve forgiveness? (Yes if I make up for it, not right now, no)

You may notice that your answers to these questions are virtually the same.
Holding a grudge towards someone may feel like you are punishing them, but what this is really doing is solidifying the idea in your own mind that when someone messes up that they deserve punishment and feeling worthless. In other words you are pre-programing your own mind on how you will think about and treat yourself if you mess up.

#2 you have the power to be free.

When you are hurting it is normal and natural to want to lash out and defend yourself, this does not make you a mean person! Instead of actually lashing out at your attacker, take these feelings as a signal that your internal self is trying to make sure that you know, you have value, you are important, and you deserve to be treated better!

If we are able to recognize value within ourselves and that we do deserve to be treated better, then we often jump to the conclusion that validation for those feeling comes from an outside source. We feel that others need to approve of us or show public notification of our value before we allow ourselves to feel good about ourselves.

If we could recognize that when we get hurt, all we want is to feel good again! This cannot be accomplished by others. This can only be achieved if we allow ourselves to value our own worth above the opinion of others. Holding a grudge keeps the pain and injustice done to us at the forefront of our mind and solidifies the idea that mistakes deserve punishment. 

In contrast forgiveness allows the hurt to fade from our mind and frees up space to believe in our potential rather than feeling defined by our shortcomings.

Forgiveness of others, provides means to forgive oneself.